Guat Now? Vol. II

In full predictability that is the mysteriousness of God, I was surprised to find that things didn't go according to plan.

Things rarely going according to whatever "the plan" is, but I still find myself taken aback.

"What a curveball, God. You've done it again!" 

A couple of weeks ago I felt strongly compelled to ask my department leaders if I could go to Gautemala on a radical Levite worship mission. I swivelled back and forth in my black leather office chair at my desk. "I should go." "I'm going to go." "Who am I to go?!" 

The truth is, who was I not to go?

I guess I thought that I was ill equipped to participate on such a trip. I'm not part of the worship track here at CGA; I don't even play an instrument! But God's prompting gave me the courage beyond all doubts to simply ask to join in. They needed another soprano voice, anyway. 

But my request caused a wave of conflict that I didn't anticipate. One of my department leaders wasn't so fond of me leaving, namely because it blurred the lines of my commitment. Her response made me want to start calling out ultimatums, as if this were some grand territorial land dispute. How dare she minimize my opportunities. 

Only a few days later did she share her raw feelings about the whole thing. She was building a magazine; we were there to help. More than that, she desired for us to be clustered around our office's dark wood and sturdy table, brainstorming ideas and laughing until someone happened to look at the clock to realize we were working late. 

She had a dream and I was now a part of it. I had my own dream. It was my job to reconcile the two. 

Rummaging through my feelings about all of this, I realized that her feelings were never significant in my decision. That bothered me, so I let my thoughts run wild through the swinging doors of insight: I was not invested in the program, I didn't understand the vision, I felt like an outsider - as if I were the lonely PC at a table full of shiny MacBooks. (In fact we all had MacBooks, which made me mad: matching glowing white apple emblems like we belonged to a sorority.) 

I was not okay with this. If I had come here to soak up experience, then why was I treating it like a trip to the grocery store? Why was I resisting it?

A further prompting from the good Lord had me seated across the table from my department leader. Before I knew it, I was apologizing for all of the places I had been lacking. Right then, there was a shift in my universe. I don't go as far as to say the universe as a whole, but into my tiny life was breathed new air, new perspective. Guatemala or no Guatemala, opportunities were everywhere! 

This whole process produced fruits sweeter than I would have thought. When conflict arrises in my life I want to look at the intangible, not the thing in front of me, but what the whole thing might actually be about. I want to look for opportunities disguised as problems. It's so easy to get caught up in "the thing", but we might be missing the bigger point.

What are you stressed about? What seems out of harmony? Take a step back and look at it again. 

I'm not going to Guatemala right now but I'm sure glad I asked.