30 Days to become a lover

It's predictable. I could feel it coming like the spring.

The last year of travel has made my body (emotions, etc.) conform to a 30 day cycle where I am always expecting change. The pattern continued even as I made my way home in December. Three weeks a bit for Christmas cheer, then off to Georgia.

A week at a lake house in Tennessee.

Back to Georgia.

And now, I'm still in Georgia. For the first time in over a year, I've stayed put somewhere for more than 30 days.

Frightening.

And along with this new era was ushered in some room for contemplation.

I let out a sigh today at lunch, heavier than I anticipated. As I looked up I locked eyes with my friend. She noticed, her raised eyebrows asking for an explanation.

We spent the next half hour talking about how much of a tortured soul I feel like, how my counsellor said that I'm angry with God and I can't seem to shake the fact that, fudge yes I am.

I've been trying to arouse a response from God-"Fix me! Fix meeeeee!"-screaming inside my head for days now. For years now.

The truth is that He doesn't want to fix me. He wants to be allowed to love me. As in, he wants an open door into my ______ness (business, messiness, grossness, etc.). And I forgot that.

That makes me mad, to be honest. That there's this big, booming God up there who's got a major thing for me and I'm so consumed about the fact that I'm screwing up I can't even acknowledge it. I can't even swoon over it.

Not okay.

So for the next 30 days I'm going to see if I can't just fall in love with God. It'll be over dates and plates of macaroni and walks and jogs and maybe painting my nails if I ever get around to it. We'll talk about why I think I'm a failure. We'll look at milestones and converse over the rough patches. We'll do this without electronics, maybe with pen and paper, always together.

For the next 30 days I'm going to spend one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening with God, doing whatever. (The whatever does require interaction though, no "watching a movie... with God".) I'm also going to read the Psalms because I think David wasn't afraid to be angry with God. Or to be captivated by him.

So what do you say, folks? Will you join me? Will you do what you can to put yourself on the line for the possibility of an incredible romance?

I have seen God sweep me off my feet and onto some holy ground before. I'm confident He'll do it again. And again. And again.