That was fast.

Hello, it's January 1st, 2012 and I'm already lonely.  What in the world.  Why??!  Today was this grand, inspiring day where I looked in the mirror and teared up because I could only see a bright future in front of me.  My emotions are absolute speed junkies, adrenaline seekers.  So quick and on the move.  They're here. They're gone.  Oh, look it's -happine... Oh wait, it's gone.

It's funny though because emotions don't really affect my ability to believe that my future will indeed be illuminating.  It's just that right now-cooking dinner for my parents who are going to arrive home from Arizona-is so mundane.  I think it has something to do with the lighting in our house, or lack thereof.  Every bulb has that sick orange-y glow to it.  And our living room has no light at all since it decided to burn out.  ...Burn out..

It's a recurring theme.  Comes and goes.  There are no blinking red lights on my phone.  And some days that is the farthest thing from a problem, but some days, like the very first one of the entire year, it feels like.. "Oh gee, no one in the world wants to see what I'm up to."  And I can't help but feel a little vacant in my being.  This is what I will live with the rest of my life.

I've already figured out that loneliness is my weakness.  When I'm not lonely, oh I couldn't care any less if I didn't see a human for weeks.  But when that twinge of emptiness comes, it doesn't really matter if I had coffee with three thousand of my closest, dearest friends.  As soon as we're on the last sip, or maybe even before, I'm feeling unspeakably blue.

I wanted to write poetry today, because I was so overcome with the need for community-for women to call each other sisters instead of bitches.  **Please, do me a favour and the next time you want to call another woman a bitch-don't do it.  She's not.  Hurt?  Ya.  Turning that hurt into a means to exude power and/or hurt others?  Oh ya, I don't doubt it.  But we're all guilty of that.

I think I get lonely because I get scared.  Because I don't tap into everything that is in me, namely the absolute fullness of God.  If I was 24/7 tapped into that, I don't think I would feel so lonely.  Burdened?  Ya, but I would feel close to God.  And it only took me this long to remind myself (accidentally) that God is the Great Physician, even for loneliness.