Guhhhh... I can't even spell it correctly most of the time. I'm about as bad at committing to something as I am at being consistent. C words. The worst.
But if I want to blog (B word) then I just have to stick with it. It's not that I don't have the gumption (G word), it's just that I get so analytical (A word) about everything (E word). (That was fun and now it's not anymore.)
I have all of this massive amount of free time.. see previous blog post (aka: no friends). And what am I doing with it? Today I slept, pretended to sleep, whatever. And it's dark outside all of the time and it will be so easy for me to get into the habit of eating bags of "Fun Size" Snickers every night if I don't plan something out for myself.
So I'll let you in on a little conversation I had with God. One sided. So, basically I'll tell you what I told God. I said "God, I want two years. Give me two years." What that means, I could get into details about, but basically I just want you to know that I'm starting a two year project. I'm going to see where God takes me in these two years. And I'm going to ....try to..... rely on him. Whewwww, I said it. And immediately I'm faced with a conflict.
EXHIBIT A.
My totally amazing redheaded friend is backpacking through Europe for a month this spring. She invited me to join, spending a week in Paris, and then doing some tromping through Eastern Europe-which is so tempting because I have never been to the Eastern, darker, moodier side of Europe. And I have heard nothing but phenomenal things! Honestly! But here's the thing.. I can't go. God didn't tell me to go. I can't. Is that crazy? Because that's what these two years are about. Saying to God "I don't move until you tell me to."
It seems crazy. And maybe that's why it's such a good idea? A lot of my friends say, "Just gooooooooooo! Do what you want to do and put God in the centre of it." I want to do the opposite. I want to delve into the relationship, rely fully on him and only move when I feel compelled. Some people might say that I am wasting my days, but if the ultimate goal of life is a relationship with Jesus and if there are people right here that I can minister to then why would I need to "get out of this stupid dumb dumb town!!!"...?
Which brings me to EXHIBIT B.
Same friend. Lives in Ottawa. With a slew, a whole cat litter, of some other chum-chums of mine. I haven't visited Ottawa since 2009. (aka: so long ago!) I've been to BC 4 times since then and I'm right in the middle of the two. So, there's an airline that has a 50% off sale which ends Monday and it's so incredibly tempting to book a flight! For spring! In the city! With my babes! Right? Doesn't that make sense? I mean, wouldn't that be the reasonably fun and exciting but not too, too adventurous thing to do? Wouldn't that still be within my allowance of mobility during this two year bonanza with God? I mean, Ottawa.. it's our country's capital city for goodness' sake! Would God be so offended at my outward display of patriotism? I think not.
Until I actually think about why I want to do it. Because I'm already looking at my life calendar and thinking "Wow.. Spring of '12 is going to be a rough patch." It just seems so hallow. Deathly, even. So an easy fix is to put a trip in there, and then count down the days, be able to look forward to something. But the more I think about it, the less patriotic I feel.
So, how much am I willing to sacrifice over the next two years? No, I'm not answering that. But I will say this. Here's the level of "enlightenment" which I hope to reach.
Immediately upon posting this I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I posted a photo-a-day of my life?!!" No, no it would not. Refer to the top of the blog post. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment