This is short because I'm going to be late for work if I write anything else!

So I did something a little fearless the other day.

I drove around the big, bad city of Winnipeg, found the Olive Garden, got lost, and had a blast while doing it.  Simple things that are intimidating things can turn out to be exhilarating.  I've always been pretty intimidated to drive in the city.  I know how to get where I need to go and that's it.  But getting lost is just the universe's way of sending you an unexpected adventure.

So it got me thinking.. What else am I afraid/hesitant/too timid to do?

Hmm.

Two words, too hard, to keep. But let's try!

Annnnnnnnnnnd my mom's Rosetta Stone is apparently no longer in working condition so there goes that idea.  Throw me a purpose bone already.  You don't know what a purpose bone is?

Ya nut.  It's that thing that you just chew on, focus on, regardless of what else is going on around you.  And sadly, learning Spanish inwards and outwards and backwards (.......) will not be that bone.

And then I read something in a book.

"Die daily."

Yep, that's it.  My life should be centered around those two words.  I should not be so preoccupied with whatever I want that I forget to die to myself in order that Jesus might live through me.  Less Melissa, more Jesus.  Dying. Every day.

So after reading that I felt a little sheepish for being so preoccupied with how much it sucks to be bored.  If you're dead, you can't be bored.  If you have no ambition but to let yourself become less that God might become greater in your life, then boredom just doesn't have room to flourish.

It's a bigger than life concept.  It will take a lifetime of years and experience to apply it, but slowly, and maybe surely I can incorporate that into my life.

I dreamt I was getting a tattoo (of an honest-to-goodness rainbow of "characters" that I pretend to be in real life.. I kid you not the first line of the rainbow said "All those times I'm Irish".... woah, what?).  But when I woke up my first thought (after wondering how was I going to manage paying for this GIGANTIC character rainbow ode to self tattoo) was that if I was going to get a tattoo, it really should be "Die daily."

I had to remind myself in the grocery store (so that I didn't try to sneak ahead of an elderly woman at the checkout) and when I drove into the driveway and didn't feel like walking back to the mailbox to get the mail (nothing in there is ever for me anyway, or nothing good at least).  It's a hard proposition.  Like I said, one that's going to take a lifetime to get perfect.  But here's to today and every other day that we set ourselves aside and choose to die for the sake of something much, much greater than whatever we had planned anyway.

Amen.

Someone tell me what's the organic matter with me!

Day 25 of the "I'm not moving a muscle until you tell me to, God" and I'm bored.  Frankly, I'm just pure boring bored.

This cannot be what God wants from me.  To lie on my bed on my stomach with my feet in the air all crossed-legged and whatever and peruse the internet for absolutely nothing.  I can't fill my day with things because that would avoid the purpose of this whole "adventure" thing.

I have to be inward and creative.

I bet Paul never said that.  I bet he only did things that he felt compelled to do but I bet he never uttered the words inward and creative in a sentence.  He didn't have to think about purpose.  He just did it, heart, soul, and barefoot.

I wanna be like Paul.

Too much to ask?  Mm, ya probably.  I haven't really proven myself to be of the same caliber as P.  I'm really lazy, but even when he tried to kill all of Jesus' followers-the dude wasn't lazy.  The dude knew what he wanted and he WENT FOR IT.  Went down the road (the poor conditioned, not suitable for extended travel road) to Damascus.

What road am I on?!?!!

And why do I have to analyze it so much?  Why can't I just skip along this no name stretch of path?  I keep thinking that maybe if I just start to just spend time on my mom's Rosetta Stone program to re-vamp my Spanish, then maybe I'll feel all accomplished.  But I'm doubting it.

Honestly though.. I have no social life.  I feel like I should be making chocolate sculptures or studying organic chemistry or re-stupid-vamping Spanish, or any language!  I have the night off work tonight!  And I'm lying on my bed on my stomach!  What is the matter with me?!

You never think about the tree until it's almost in your windshield.

Last night on my way home from work I managed to find myself in the ditch on the other side of the road.  A little too much speed, the teensiest nudge of the wheel and a few swerve, swerve, swerves later and poooooof, perfect 10 landing into a pile of snow.

The whole time I kept saying "No, no, no, no, no, no..." in a very calm manner.  I didn't think I was going to die, but I did certainly think that my car was going to be a little less attractive than usual.  The car was still on when I hit the ditch.  I turned it off because it freaked me out.

I looked to my left and there was a fence. "Did I crash through a fence?!!?!?!"

I looked to my right and there was a tree. "I COULD HAVE HIT THAT TREE!!!!!"

I stepped out of the car and immediately upon seeing how close (probably 5 feet?) I was to the tree I shot a bunch o' "THANK YOU JESUS GOODNESS GRACIOUS GRACIAS!" up to God.  I almost started crying when I saw that tree because honestly, I had nooooooo clue where I was going on, what I might hit or who I could have hit (thankfully, no one was sharing the road with me).

It took me a few moments to realize "What side of the road am I actually on, then?"  And within three minutes there was a cop car sitting on the road above me.  I was overcome with the perfectness of the entire situation.  He laughed at me. "I mean, if you're going to crash into the ditch this is really the way to do it!  I can see the light from my driveway from here, it's not even cold outside.  I didn't hit that tree.  My car didn't hit anything but a pillow of snow on the firm side. No one was on the road.  And now you show up, out of nowhere.  This is plain ridiculous."

"Well, as long as you're not hurt."  Duuuuuuude, this is crazy!  This is amazing!  Anything could have happened to me but nothing happened!  


And so, my dad came and we left the car in the ditch for the night (I mean, it was already sleeping..) so that, and I'm quoting my dad on this, "you can take a picture of it in the daylight."

It was a complete blur.  I couldn't tell you anything that I saw really until I hit the snow.  I didn't even know the tree was there until I realized I didn't hit it.

Sometimes it takes us almost hitting the tree for us to be thankful for not hitting it in the first place.  That tree and plenty more have been there probably since before I've been around.  And I've never considered that I might hit one, one day.  But it's obviously not out of the realm of possibility.  So, moral: being grateful never hurts.

Save that oddly satisfying moment at all costs!

Do you know what's oddly satisfying?

Taking your car to the automatic car wash, dropping in a few coins and sitting in your car while this robotic set of gigantic arms gives it a good scrub.  Honestly.  I was thinking that next time I really need to bring my video camera so that I can capture the way the water shoots across the windshield like sun rays when the heater comes on.  It's magic.  I wish I had turned my radio to the Classical station.  Strangely relaxing.

And do you know what ruins an oddly satisfying situation like that?

I'll tell ya.

So, I washed my car yesterday and I could barely unlock it after my shift (at 1ish in the morning) so I asked my dad to please allow me to leave my car in his heated shop during the day today.  Perfect.  I needed to run some errands in town so I was going to take another vehicle but he tells me "The car is ready to go."  Ok fine Dad, I'll take the car.

So I'm carrying all my bags and about to hit the road and go back home when hmm, funny situation, I can't get my key in the lock.  The lock is frozen.  And the whole I'm thinking to myself "Adventure, Melissa!  This is an unplanned day.  Expect the unexpected!"  Or some ultra cheesy thing like that.  I'm saying it in my head as I walk back into the store with all of my bags, as I can't find the D-Icer from the Automotive Department, as I wait for Customer Service at the Automotive Department, as I end up finding it eventually in the Automotive Deparment.  It's all good. And it's only 97 cents.  It's almost a gift, really.

But then, even though I absolutely know that it's a dumb idea, I tell my dad "So, I had to buy D-Icer because I couldn't unlock my door." What I'm trying to say is: HA. Hahahaha. HAHA. You were wrong, buddy.  And then he remarks with a comment about how maybe next time I'll actually wait until the weather warms up before I decide to wash the car.

Nooooooooooooooo.  Oddly satisfying moment is now tainted by a dumb idea to tell my dad that he was wrong and I was right for wanting to take another vehicle.  So next time you have a moment in jeopardy of becoming less enjoyable than it originally was-save it!  Don't belittle your father.  You'll probably never win at it anyway.

Mind trick, what up!

TOP-THREE-THINGS-THAT-ARE-MOST-IMPORTANT-TO-YOU-1-2-3-GO!!

Uhh, God?  ...making the most of every moment.  ...my community

This is a mind trick that everyone should do.  Spring this question upon yourself randomly and see what answers you come up with.  

I'm sorry to say that mine was really, really lackluster.  The passion just wasn't there.  And that's a problem.  If those are my top 3 I should be able to spout them out loudly and proudly at any given moment.  "Hi, I'm Melissa and you should know that I love God, making the most of every moment and engaging with my community."  Flashy smile.  (So key.)

But honestly, my answers didn't race out of my mouth, they kind of tumbled.  Honestly, I said God because that seemed to be the answer that I should say first.  But I'm thinking about it and God is so generically unflattering.  This is not a respect issue.  The word itself is powerful (more so than I'll ever really know on this earth), but that doesn't explain anything about the importance of God in my life.  To say God might only mean that I believe in a God and I think that God is big and invasive in my life.  I didn't say "my daily relationship with Christ which molds the very make of myself" .  That would have been a more pleasing answer. e

Making the most of every moment.  Yeeeeesh.  That one is hard to swallow.  But it's acceptable because saying "the way walking by yourself on a beach in Washington state makes you feel incredibly close to the Creator of the beach and your life", or "deciding to drive 7 hours in a day to spend 6 hours with someone on her couch was one of the best compulsive things you've done, ever" is kind of specific and so, let's be fair.  This answer is on the right track.  It's just dull. 

My community.. There are several layers of this.  So, ya ok.. community works.  There's family in that community.  Friends.  But I guess it's more of the entire global community (ooooooh no. I sound like the Global Studies student that I once was.).  I love the creativity of the people.  I love the people.  The people drive me nuts, but we're all stuck on this one planet for a reason, right?  

So, I'm a little bit disappointed in myself.  For the generic-ness and uninspiring part of my answers.  And the time it took to say it.  But I believe that what I said was true. Hopefully you will too. 

May the [whatever you need in this moment right now] be with you, Jedi. 

Backpacks!

Thoughts from today.

"People are frying everything these days."
"I wonder if I should just bring some Oreos to work and a bag of pancake batter?  We already have a deep fryer.  It's practically begging to see some Oreos."
"Should I put garlic on my pulled pork sandwich tonight?"
"Do I want Skor in my cookie dough blizzard?"

The response to all of these heart melting questions was obviously yes.

Thoughts from yesterday.

"Ugggggh, I'm so sick of working here."
"Ugggggh, I'm so sick of living here."
"What am I even doooooing with my life?"

The response to all of these was "BACKPACKS!"

It's my go-to word.  As in, the image of God and I with backpacks on, having an adventure.  Laughing a ton.  Enjoying each other's company big time. Being crazy.  Loving the journey. Right here & now. Backpacks.

A moment, please.

I took another baby step today and moved a book shelf in my room that hadn't been moved since I started painting the tree on my wall.  Folks, that's nearly a year ago.  And it took all of 11 seconds.  But I didn't do it before because I looked at my room as a whole and thought, "Nope, never.  That's too big of a task."  But this whole breaking it up into smaller, much more mind manageable chunks is such a blessing.  I moved the bookshelf and cleared the area near my bed of a stack of old magazines, a complete phone set-unplugged since I moved back home over a year ago, and papers, papers, papers.

My dresser is still a mess, my closet is full of junk and I still have the paint cans from the aforementioned tree painting expedition sitting on a piece of old carpet near my door.  But that's okay because I'll get to those later.

I JUST MOVED MY BOOKSHELF, THANK YOU.

I think this is how people get so stressed out all of the time.  Instead of congratulating ourselves or being happy with a finished project (small as it might be), we look at the spectrum of our entire lives and if we're not improving all across the board, we're actually really sucking.

Where do we get these crazy notions?

I can be on the treadmill one day and, through a series of calculations in my head realize that I should be up at 6 drinking green tea and preparing for a half marathon.  It's staggering the speed at which we move in our minds. But I don't think that really works for me.  I think that just really overwhelms me.  And until I learn how to calculate all of those wheel turning ideas into actuality, I'm going to try to take it one step, baby, at a time.

They call it "amor" because they want more.

Nothing but love today.

It's the two year anniversary of the day I left Spain.  I don't typically mark the days of trips I take so sacredly, but this trip was different.  I was 19, at a place in my life where I knew I could go anywhere with it.  I was at Point A, I feel like.  On the road to Point B.

The memories of Spain are only the kind that absolutely warm the soul.  I've never been able to remember a place in an all-encompassing way the way that I can with this one.  The cold tile on my feet as I hurried through my morning duties after breakfast.  The milk took a long time to get used to.  Hah.  At the beginning I only put enough in my cereal bowl to barely coat each piece of puffed wheat.  And by the end... it's funny how things change.

The nighttime fights we engaged in, constant trips to the Mercadona for chocolate covered digestive cookies, chocolate covered walnuts, chocolate covered ham legs (...one of these three I made up..).  We just walked and explored but more than that, we just were with one another.  Just one small Spanish house with 31 large personalities that fit so perfectly.

We sat up on the terrace at night and watched the night sky.  We sat up on the terrace during the day with all of the girls and soaked up the sun while we soaked up each other's pain and joy and all of it.  We really lived together, you know?

And it's all love.  From the first hellos at the Vancouver airport, to the mad dash at the Heathrow airport, to the mad dash to catch the Tram into Alicante, to the mad dash in McDonalds to escape the friendly locals.  Man, we had a ball.  We bawled.  I bawled a lot, especially the last few days.  I bawled in the public streets of Alicante one night.  One night Michelle and I thought our plane was going to crash.  It didn't.  But the bowl I carried on my head crashed onto the floor one day, full of tomato sauce.  I had my first taste of curry sauce while in Spain, strange as that is.  I bowled my best game ever one night in Spain on a family group outing.  We looked strange to the local girls, I know this because they always stared at us even though we tried to buy what we thought was "in fashion".  Fashion malls, where I bought not one but two denim dresses which I have yet to see become cool in North America.  Still waiting.  Waiting to see what happens next with my beautiful family, who have shared a lifetime of memories with me in just a small piece of our lives.

And it's all love.

A truly great tragedy.

You know what I was thinking yesterday?

I was walking into Walmart and being conscious of my limp-y ways I began to run the same sad reel about how much of a nuisance it is to have arthritis.  But then I was struck by a greater thought.

As long as whatever you have that pains you is something that someone else has or could have, you can immediately be useful to them.  I was reminded of this thought when I was talking to my dad this morning.  He went through severe anxiety last year and there's no denying the power in words of empathy.  To be able to say to someone, "I've been there.  I understand." is huge!

To be able to say "This is how I cope with ________." are sweet, sweet words to someone who is struggling with the same thing.  So, remember this, whatever you have that aggravates, saddens, or physically causes you pain-there is someone else out there who feels the same thing.  And you share a special bond.

It doesn't mean that you have to be pen pals or wear matching homemade bracelets (although.. why not?), but it does mean that for all of the different "things" that you're going through, someone else is stuck in the same tunnel as you.  And you can support each other!  Tunnels are dark!  It's better together.  Two people walking on the sidewalk in the middle of the day might not have much to say to each other.  But two people walking in a dark tunnel-where it's hard to see in front of you and sometimes you slip, and feel like you should give up-those two people will rely on one another and their chances of survival are ultimately better.

Just as we appreciate the hand that lifts us, we must be that hand in others' lives.

How this plays into my arthritic joints, I'm not too sure yet.  But if there was no Arthritis Society, if no one cared to see a cure, to spend millions on research for medication, wouldn't my future seem much bleaker?  So, this isn't really about arthritis in particular (although go and donate, would ya? ha.), but it is about whatever plagues you.  And how you can use that to bless someone else.  Isn't that what we're here for?

I need a new vocabulary. ...exciting.

I had a dream last night that I had an actual baby.  Literal baby steps. Gaaah.  Freakish.  But it's hard to explain how much of an attachment I have to this little baby girl who doesn't exist except for in my subconscious.  However brief, I loved her.  It was kind of twisted though.  I kept her in the trunk of my car for awhile, which makes me sick but otherwise I carried her on my chest in some kind of wrap.  I took her to Applebee's or some simliar chain restaurant.  And she could talk.  She was a genius.  My baby's a genius! 

But while I appreciated that dream on some "getting in touch with my ovaries" level, here is what the highlight of my day has been thus far.  It's today's devotion from the book Jesus Calling.  The idea of life as an adventure, even in the mundane.  Even when you don't have a crazy newborn talking baby that you lovingly carry in the trunk of your car, life is still exciting.

Try to view each day as an adventure, carefully planned out by your Guide.  Instead of staring into the day that is ahead of you, attempting to program it to your will, be attentive to Me and to all I have prepared for you.  Thank Me for this day of life, recognizing that it is a precious, unrepeatable gift.  Trust that I am with you each moment, whether you sense My Presence or not.  A thankful, trusting attitude helps you to see events in your life from My perspective. 

A life lived close to Me will never be dull or predictable.  Expect each day to contain surprises!  Resist your tendency to search for the easiest route through the day.  Be willing to follow wherever I lead.  No matter how steep or treacherous the path before you, the safest place to be is by My side.

Amen.  Followed by a mixed greens salad with apple cider dressing and chopped walnuts which tasted... more exciting than I thought it might.  And when I went to turn on the tv I said to myself, "No.. tv isn't exciting.  Your life is exciting."  And so I went to the computer instead.  Small victories, people.  B-b-b-b-baby steps.

So here's to your exciting life, whatever it might contain!  Salads, tv, baby childs, and all the rest, I hope you see it as an adventure!

I think we downplay the magnitude of "baby steps".

TA DA newly organized and bare (ish) dresser/vanity/holder of many things unimportant and irrelevant.

But, please note.

Ok, so I took a "baby step" towards this more organized self-structured self shelf self.  But let's not gloss over the fact that, although I only really completed a small percentage of what I set out to do, I in fact, STARTED.  Let's clap for every time we laced up our shoes and went on the treadmill for any amount of time.  For any time you had a good idea and did some part of it.  Listen folks, our imaginations are more energized than a four year old gummy bear addict wearing a solar panel.  Idea. Pow. Idea. Pow. IDEA IDEA IDEA. POW! POW! POW!

So, if you ever actually maneuver your body into completing an act birthed in your imagination, then raise your glass, you admirable character.  We (I) get run down because we (I!!!) get so wrapped up in the notion that every. idea. you've. ever. thought. of. better. come. to. life. otherwise, well, why are you so lazy?


Right?!  Haven't you thought that exact thing before?! You were going to do this but you didn't and so now you're useless.  Man, you can't do anything right.  Do you even enjoy baking?  Why do we try to torture ourselves to prove something and then if it's not perfect it's actually something we cry over?  Hey, go ahead and take a baby step and then slap yourself on the back so hard that it leaves a mark so that you can remember that a baby step is actually something to be proud of.

The swing of things.

Why is it so hard to get into a routine?

I feel so unorganized, but part of me wants to just stamp "Free Spirit!" on all of my behaviours and call it a day.  Why can't I put peoples' numbers into my phone when I get them?  Why do I have to put it off until I actually need the number and no loner have access to it?  Why can't I keep my room clean for three days in a row?!  Or track my spending habits every month?  All of these things would be good for me.  Why must I loathe them so?

....FREE SPIRIT!

No you guys, I don't know.  It's frustrating to know that I very well should do something because it would honestly benefit me and then look that thing in the eye and say, "Ya you wish buddy."  I'm my own worst enemy!  I can only imagine that as I get older this kind of thing will drive me crazier and psycho-er.  Think of the children for instance!  All of their field trip paper work strewn about the house, mixed in with the de-humidifier manual and photocopies from the Praise! hymnal.  Just a mess.

I think I need a schedule.  But I've never been able to keep up with day planners.  Sick.  But maybe just a tentative attempt at a structured day will be a giant leap of a baby step?  Here's the plan kids.  I'm going to clean my room, and if I feel robust enough afterwards, I will clean out my car as well.

And I will try to save all of my receipts.  And file my pictures onto USB drives so that my computer doesn't crash under the distraction of my beautiful face in 20 000 different scenarios.  Rough.

Accomplishing missions one mission at a time!

Ya girl, I did write a letter to all of the kids I went to Bible school with, print those copies of the letter, and then proceed to fold, fold, fold and then stuff them into designated envelopes corresponding to their handwritten addresses.  Feels good.  Feels also dry in the tongue region.  I only do it once a year but it just feels like a big accomplishment.  [Before you decide that I must be bragging... there were only 30 kids in my Bible school and I don't know the addresses for nine of them. Heh..]

And here's what I'm becoming more and more aware of.  Life is about people.  If it wasn't, you would honestly probably have your own planet to make a mess of.  But you're surrounded by people, hurt by people, influenced and embraced by people.  They affect us!

I spent one on one time with six women yesterday-ages 16 to 51-for an extended amount of time.  And what did I do for them?  I can let a day like that slip away and leave their lives untouched, or I can invest in them.

So, how are we affecting others?  Dun.. dun... dunnnnnnnnn.. [Cue the gong symbol, fog machine, and ancient Eastern wiseman].


"To be committed to the betterment of mankind is the greatest joy that one can experience." Or something like that...

[Enter Jesus.]

"Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’^[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."


Or, here's the last one... [Enter student council theme for the 2004-2005 year]


"See the need, fill the need."  


Basically, we need to be the representatives of God to the world.  And it's actually so hard to do on a day-to-day basis because I don't want to act nicely to the female Customs and Immigration officer who continues to ask in a snarky tone if I, for the third time, have drugs on me.  No, ma'am, I don't.  Quit asking.  And by the way, have you heard about Jesus?

And I'm so wrapped up in whatever I'm up to that I forget that, hey wait one second and see if I'm crazy but, other people.. have.. lives as well?  My gosh!  I don't believe it!

See the need, fill the need.  And may our priorities be so in sync with 1. loving God  and 2. loving others.  If we could get that in order.. we would see less plush chairs in church, I think.

One of the things I'm not so good at, followed by "My Big Mouth".

Commitment.

Guhhhh... I can't even spell it correctly most of the time.  I'm about as bad at committing to something as I am at being consistent.  C words.  The worst.

But if I want to blog (B word) then I just have to stick with it.  It's not that I don't have the gumption (G word), it's just that I get so analytical (A word) about everything (E word).  (That was fun and now it's not anymore.)

I have all of this massive amount of free time.. see previous blog post (aka: no friends).  And what am I doing with it?  Today I slept, pretended to sleep, whatever.  And it's dark outside all of the time and it will be so easy for me to get into the habit of eating bags of "Fun Size" Snickers every night if I don't plan something out for myself.

So I'll let you in on a little conversation I had with God.  One sided.  So, basically I'll tell you what I told God.  I said "God, I want two years.  Give me two years."  What that means, I could get into details about, but basically I just want you to know that I'm starting a two year project.  I'm going to see where God takes me in these two years.  And I'm going to ....try to..... rely on him.  Whewwww, I said it.  And immediately I'm faced with a conflict.

EXHIBIT A.

My totally amazing redheaded friend is backpacking through Europe for a month this spring.  She invited me to join, spending a week in Paris, and then doing some tromping through Eastern Europe-which is so tempting because I have never been to the Eastern, darker, moodier side of Europe. And I have heard nothing but phenomenal things!  Honestly!  But here's the thing.. I can't go.  God didn't tell me to go.  I can't.  Is that crazy?  Because that's what these two years are about.  Saying to God "I don't move until you tell me to."

It seems crazy.  And maybe that's why it's such a good idea?  A lot of my friends say, "Just gooooooooooo!  Do what you want to do and put God in the centre of it."  I want to do the opposite.  I want to delve into the relationship, rely fully on him and only move when I feel compelled.  Some people might say that I am wasting my days, but if the ultimate goal of life is a relationship with Jesus and if there are people right here that I can minister to then why would I need to "get out of this stupid dumb dumb town!!!"...?

Which brings me to EXHIBIT B.

Same friend.  Lives in Ottawa.  With a slew, a whole cat litter, of some other chum-chums of mine.  I haven't visited Ottawa since 2009. (aka: so long ago!)  I've been to BC 4 times since then and I'm right in the middle of the two.  So, there's an airline that has a 50% off sale which ends Monday and it's so incredibly tempting to book a flight!  For spring!  In the city!  With my babes!  Right?  Doesn't that make sense?  I mean, wouldn't that be the reasonably fun and exciting but not too, too adventurous thing to do?  Wouldn't that still be within my allowance of mobility during this two year bonanza with God?  I mean, Ottawa.. it's our country's capital city for goodness' sake!  Would God be so offended at my outward display of patriotism?  I think not.

Until I actually think about why I want to do it.  Because I'm already looking at my life calendar and thinking "Wow.. Spring of '12 is going to be a rough patch."  It just seems so hallow.  Deathly, even.  So an easy fix is to put a trip in there, and then count down the days, be able to look forward to something.  But the more I think about it, the less patriotic I feel.

So, how much am I willing to sacrifice over the next two years?  No, I'm not answering that.  But I will say this.  Here's the level of "enlightenment" which I hope to reach.

Immediately upon posting this I thought, "Wouldn't it be cool if I posted a photo-a-day of my life?!!"  No, no it would not.  Refer to the top of the blog post. Amen.

Fearless and also friendless.

The holidays are over.  This is bad for my social life.  Reeeeeeeeally bad.  I had an appointment at my chiropractor's and after running my errands in town I still had some extra time so I drove around the riverfront.  It was 11pm-kind-of-dark at 5.  Eery, but really beautiful.  It just gave me the gentle reminder, "You're all alone again." but not in a lonely way.  In a matter-of-fact way.  I'm flying solo again.  And I love to fly.

And sometimes that's a good thing.  There's a certain schedule, certain priorities that I have when free time = me time.  I find that it's very easy to get into a lull when my friends are in town.  It's easy to get sidetracked.  So, while I'm sad that we're back in the "dry" season, it's also a refreshing time for me to be with myself.  It means more time for myself, which is blessing.  I feel like a lot of people are so busy trying to be someone, trying to be with someone, that we forget about our own selves.  That little nugget inside of us.  So I'm going to try to be patient with God and myself.  And I think out of that patience will come something unexpected.

Oh hey there baby new year! Five day old baby new year, look at you.

The proposition for 2012?

Be more fearless.
(Be more.  Fear less?)

Something like that.

That was fast.

Hello, it's January 1st, 2012 and I'm already lonely.  What in the world.  Why??!  Today was this grand, inspiring day where I looked in the mirror and teared up because I could only see a bright future in front of me.  My emotions are absolute speed junkies, adrenaline seekers.  So quick and on the move.  They're here. They're gone.  Oh, look it's -happine... Oh wait, it's gone.

It's funny though because emotions don't really affect my ability to believe that my future will indeed be illuminating.  It's just that right now-cooking dinner for my parents who are going to arrive home from Arizona-is so mundane.  I think it has something to do with the lighting in our house, or lack thereof.  Every bulb has that sick orange-y glow to it.  And our living room has no light at all since it decided to burn out.  ...Burn out..

It's a recurring theme.  Comes and goes.  There are no blinking red lights on my phone.  And some days that is the farthest thing from a problem, but some days, like the very first one of the entire year, it feels like.. "Oh gee, no one in the world wants to see what I'm up to."  And I can't help but feel a little vacant in my being.  This is what I will live with the rest of my life.

I've already figured out that loneliness is my weakness.  When I'm not lonely, oh I couldn't care any less if I didn't see a human for weeks.  But when that twinge of emptiness comes, it doesn't really matter if I had coffee with three thousand of my closest, dearest friends.  As soon as we're on the last sip, or maybe even before, I'm feeling unspeakably blue.

I wanted to write poetry today, because I was so overcome with the need for community-for women to call each other sisters instead of bitches.  **Please, do me a favour and the next time you want to call another woman a bitch-don't do it.  She's not.  Hurt?  Ya.  Turning that hurt into a means to exude power and/or hurt others?  Oh ya, I don't doubt it.  But we're all guilty of that.

I think I get lonely because I get scared.  Because I don't tap into everything that is in me, namely the absolute fullness of God.  If I was 24/7 tapped into that, I don't think I would feel so lonely.  Burdened?  Ya, but I would feel close to God.  And it only took me this long to remind myself (accidentally) that God is the Great Physician, even for loneliness.