Three years is a long time to hold one's breath.

Do you ever think maybe that you should just be still so as to not make any ripples in the water?

Better to stand still with your back straight than to push the water. 

It makes me so self-conscious. I'm so aware of the stillness, of the way we're all just looking at one another with blank stares. It's not always like this, but there are moments, periods in time, when I've got restless-entire-body-syndrome and I feel trapped. 

By who? By what? I'm not entirely sure. By myself I guess, and my perception that I mustn't make a stir. For the sake of others, possibly. That I might damage them, throw them off kilter. For my faith, as well. I should behave. 

But I really just want to live. And feel peace flood me like a mighty river when I've dove too deep or when I'm choking on water. I'd rather choke on water than never know what it tastes like. 

And I'd rather love too hard, put myself out on too many weak limbs, and foolishly pursue every dream of mine than to sit back and wonder what it might have been like. 

A few years ago I had an encounter with God which lead me to believe that he told me who my husband would be. And I beeeeelieved it. For three years I prayed for this man like an extension of myself, waiting for the day when it would it all come together. 

I wrote a book about that encounter. I used his real name and then self-published it. 

And you want to know what happened? He got engaged to another girl, another girl who isn't me. THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE PROPHECY.

Now I have to wrestle with debilitating thoughts about not really knowing the voice of God, and being an idiot, and "what in the world do I do now?!" Well folks, that sure makes life interesting. I went all in. My eggs were placed and reserved for a very specific basket. That basket was someone else's and here's the interesting part: I don't regret it. 

I've had the most intimate and heartbreaking conversations with God for the last three years thanks to that encounter and I'm not planning on stopping anytime soon. I'd rather make mistakes, if only to draw nearer to God's heart for me. He caught me. I'm all wrapped up in his love, anticipating what adventure might be next.

Go ahead and take a big, fat risk. 

And for interest's sake, are you familiar with the verse from Psalms that says, "Be still and know that I am God"?  You should know that the Hebrew root word means something more like, "Fail and know that I am God."