I wear a t-shirt that says "Fate loves the fearless". It's Nike. And I don't really wear it, but it sits in my drawer.

So I had a character realization on the drive to the grocery store tonight.  I'm really a scaredy cat.  Really.  Scared.

Let me elaborate.  I enjoy adventures. 

I do not enjoy, I in fact avoid any adventure that would lend itself to expectations for success.  I wrote a book-some of my family doesn't even know this.  I don't talk about it.  I mean, I do, but I brush it off rather quickly.  I write this blog.  I think I've told maybe 8 people?  I do not broadcast my bloggness to others. 

And it's not that I'm passionate about the projects that I have going on, but it's that I care so much that I feel like I have to hide it or act so casually about it so that if I fail then I won't feel so stupid.  This is the worst news bears.  How does one change their entire body chemistry to embrace failure as the greatest lesson?  I don't want to be afraid to fail!  I don't want to be afraid to advertise everything that I'm about.

I have this book that I wrote sitting in my hands, sitting in boxes in my house, and I wondered why I haven't sent the book out to Christian ministries, to churches, youth groups, whatever.  Why haven't I done everything to share a message that I think is so critical for people to hear?  Because I'm sooooo afraid to step on that plank!  What if I can't swim?!  What if I absolutely sink to the bottom or worse.. get swallowed up by a shark before even hitting the water?!! 

And then, I remember.. doesn't God go before us?  Doesn't he work all things for our good?  I would certainly proclaim that, so how come I can't remember that?  Theories are so much easier to carry around in pretty journals and notepads than in our hearts and minds.  Practicing theories is the tough stuff. 

I'm waiting for someone to paranormally search for exactly what my ministry is about, pick me out of the crowd, and run with my idea.  I want to sit back.  I want to latch onto something that's a "sure thing".  And yet, Paul never had a sure thing.  Really, the only thing he was sure of was that he would endure persecution wherever he was going.  And I'm afraid of some "failure"?  Time to man up.

And ever so fitting, here's the latest Bible study video.