I was going to post an entry about how I baked cupcakes today. I took cute pictures for the sole purpose of posting them on here. But that's not important. What is important is letting you know that it's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my bed with a big bowl of kettle cooked chips and a can of Coke (which I actually don't even like the taste of..) and I'm feeling sorry for myself.
That's important.
And why, might you ask? Because I'm feeling sorry for myself and that's stupid. I'm neglecting my olive tree and drinking Coca-Cola for goodness sake. In my book, that spells desperate. I think maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself because of all the sugar I ate today? (Three different batters and icings to "test out" all before anything was even baked...) That's one option. Or maybe because it's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my bed? That's possible, but I don't go to school and I don't work a 9-5 so days of the week don't really have much significance. So I guess that means that the real reason is because I'm just lonely. Straight up. I'm just a lonely little lamb. And I just want to eat until I'm not lonely anymore.
That quote right there sounds a little too much like Lifetime television network. I'm sorry. That's not okay.
But it's basically true. Because I'm missing this certain person terribly and I'm getting sick of playing the waiting game and I realize that in this specific game I don't really have a say in what goes on. I don't even really know the rules, actually. I just wait. And that's hard. It makes me doubt myself. And so I bake cupcakes and paint trees and buy dress patterns not necessarily because I'm trying to distract myself from waiting (but hey, it does help). No, those are genuine investments of my time. They make me happy and give me a creative outlet which is one of my life's essentials.
And I don't think about missing this person most of the time. I really don't. But some days, man oh man, some days are like a train headed off a bridge at an impossible speed-an absolute wreck. There's nothing in front of me. And yet I know that my future is like sunlight. I will have to wear shades for the rest of my life because God has got some seriously bright plans for me. I know that but right now in this moment it's hard to feel that. And that's okay. It's not the end of the world. But it still hurts, you know? And I feel like I'm-I tried to think of a really good descriptive word but all that I could come up with was-alone.
It's that bad feeling a person gets when her cell phone doesn't vibrate all day and she starts to think that there's something wrong with her. And she knows better than to get spooked by a little quietness because it's actually probaby a blessing, but still she's sitting on her bed and the chips are now gone and so is that stupid freaking can of Coke and she's got tears in her eyes. Oh sure she's got ideas and dreams and blueprints to connect them all up in that sphere of hers but she still feels like she's missing something. Like all of this is leading up to something else. And that's a bad way to look at things (in this case) because she should be happy for right now, this very moment in time. She'll never get these thoughts back. Granted, she doesn't really want them back but the choice isn't hers anyways.
I just want this so-and-so to be sitting next to me right now. Right. now. Riiiiiiiight nowwwww. And maybe if I say it enough times my door will open up and bing-o. But I just looked at my bedrooom door and the knob isn't turning. He's not coming. And I have to tell myself to remember to put "yet" on the end of that sentence.
He's not coming yet.
Otherwise I'll convince myself that he's never really coming because I'm never really worth it. And that's where one bowl of chips will turn into two and that Coke will turn into Fresca and I'll be moody and go to sleep with only half a tree on my wall.
And half a tree isn't really worth much. But I guess it's these incomplete moments that give us the strength to keep growing. Or did I just say that because it would be a delightfully cheesy way to end this rant?
No comments:
Post a Comment