Don't be ridiculous.

I know you well enough to know that you've-at least once... a day-had the urge to apologize for something that well, really you don't need to apologize for.

Picture me, hobbling among the Arizona Foothills.. in fact, it might just be easier to picture a crippled Tibetan monk and add a backpack.  There!  You found me!  I thoroughly enjoy spending time climbing the hills, but I couldn't help but feel self-conscious.  Why you might ask?  A flare up of some juvenile arthritis in my left ankle causing me to ginergly, oh so gingerly, cascade down the mountain slopes like a woman who is literally holding all the time in the world in her backpack.  It's embarrassing.  But why?!  Every time I encountered someone on the same path as me I wanted to explain myself, "I don't actually usually travel this slow, it's just that, well, my arthritis doesn't usually do this to me, you know, I can walk faster than this-but it's swollen... it hurts."

I imagined that people were snickering behind my back about the "that girl who is sooooo afraid of falling".  Nooooo, I promise I'm braver than I look!  It's just... THIS... FOOOOOT!!!  I even thought about how much easier it would just be for all of us in the mountains-wildlife included-if I just wore a t-shirt that said "I've got arthritis okay?!"  Then everybody wouldn't have to wonder about the helpless girl who could use a walking cane.  Or a scooter.  Or a para-glider.

Isn't that dumb?  You don't have to apologize to anybody for whatever you're working with!  And honestly, probably nobody has even noticed anyway.  The people I met probably didn't realize, or care to give my sight more than a second of thought.  Stop worrying about what anybody else thinks!  Go and hike!

I'm that woman.

You see me in the grocery store standing in front of the sale ice cream in the frozen food section that I passed with my cart 3 minutes ago.  I returned.  And now I'm doing the routine "Shouldiiii-shouldiiiinot-shouldiiiii-shouldiiiiinot" dance in my brain. 

"We don't really need ice cream."
"Oh wait.. I do love Skor."
"Skor's on sale!"
"Skor's usually 8 bucks!"
"...Skor's still 6 bucks...."
....shuffles away...
"BANANA CREAM PIE?!"
"Would I even really eat it?  I mean... banana flavour is a tricky thing to get right... and it's 6 bucks."
"But it's on sale. It will never be six dollars again.."
"That's true.. It will never be.."
"If I had to choose between Wunderbar and Skor what would it be?"
"The container of Skor says it has 3 whole bars in the ice cream!"
"But I'm realizing that Skor is a relatively thin candy bar.. and three isn't a very big number.."
"But it's always nice to have ice cream in the house."
...puts the Skor ice cream in the cart which is sitting unattended and lonely 20 feet away....
"Ya, ok this is good."
....takes steps 1, 2, and .....
"I really can't justify paying six dollars for something I do at home for cheaper."
....puts ice cream back in its rightful place...

I did a similar dance at the checkout with a FoodNetwork holiday edition magazine.  Long live (because there's no such thing as short lived) indecisiveness.

Allow me to formally introduce this thing I'm doing..

This is an entry about the introduction of my Bible study series on YouTube.  I thought it might be useful to have a written accompaniment to the video.  Not that I don't talk enough in the video, I do.. I talk.. a lot.  But sometimes it's nice to have some kind of commentary about it.  What are the main points that I tried to highlight but uhh, didn't quite manage to articulate?  That's where this will come in.  TA-DA!  Magic bells are chiming.

So... the Introduction.

This video probably doesn't actually include any Biblical reference specifically.  It's just to introduce you to the format and to get you thinking about what I'm thinking about.

1.  You have a story!  Whether you wish you acknowledge it or not, you have some kind of role on this soap opera.  And how you embrace or hide from that role is up to you.  But remember, the grand story is of God's glory.  How does your life reflect that?

2.  If you want to really be involved with a God who wants the best for you, if you want to be blessed, and grow in wisdom and in faith, well then you've gotta dig into the relationship.  Prayer isn't just a before bed routine.  God wants to hear from you-sad, mad, elated, devastated-he wants your full scope of emotions and he wants you to bring everything you have to him, knowing that he can make it beautiful.  And he wants you to listen to what he has to say.  Listen to his voice, read his word.  As you do this, you will become more familiar with his character-he won't be such a stranger anymore.

3.  You're holding onto something.  Be aware of what you pack to take with you every day.  I'm not talking about your leftovers in tupperware.  I'm talking about baggage.  Your thoughts and feelings about yourself, the people around you, and God.  These affect, no, these determine how you travel every day.  If you carry a lot on your back, you're not going to opt for climbing the side of a mountain.  Too risky.  You're going to stick to the path through the woods by yourself so that no one can see how hard it is for you to carry the weight.  At this point, I'm not telling you to get rid of the baggage.  That's no easy task.  I just want you to be aware of it.

Watch the video here: http://youtu.be/Gnb6tBOyO-I

I wear a t-shirt that says "Fate loves the fearless". It's Nike. And I don't really wear it, but it sits in my drawer.

So I had a character realization on the drive to the grocery store tonight.  I'm really a scaredy cat.  Really.  Scared.

Let me elaborate.  I enjoy adventures. 

I do not enjoy, I in fact avoid any adventure that would lend itself to expectations for success.  I wrote a book-some of my family doesn't even know this.  I don't talk about it.  I mean, I do, but I brush it off rather quickly.  I write this blog.  I think I've told maybe 8 people?  I do not broadcast my bloggness to others. 

And it's not that I'm passionate about the projects that I have going on, but it's that I care so much that I feel like I have to hide it or act so casually about it so that if I fail then I won't feel so stupid.  This is the worst news bears.  How does one change their entire body chemistry to embrace failure as the greatest lesson?  I don't want to be afraid to fail!  I don't want to be afraid to advertise everything that I'm about.

I have this book that I wrote sitting in my hands, sitting in boxes in my house, and I wondered why I haven't sent the book out to Christian ministries, to churches, youth groups, whatever.  Why haven't I done everything to share a message that I think is so critical for people to hear?  Because I'm sooooo afraid to step on that plank!  What if I can't swim?!  What if I absolutely sink to the bottom or worse.. get swallowed up by a shark before even hitting the water?!! 

And then, I remember.. doesn't God go before us?  Doesn't he work all things for our good?  I would certainly proclaim that, so how come I can't remember that?  Theories are so much easier to carry around in pretty journals and notepads than in our hearts and minds.  Practicing theories is the tough stuff. 

I'm waiting for someone to paranormally search for exactly what my ministry is about, pick me out of the crowd, and run with my idea.  I want to sit back.  I want to latch onto something that's a "sure thing".  And yet, Paul never had a sure thing.  Really, the only thing he was sure of was that he would endure persecution wherever he was going.  And I'm afraid of some "failure"?  Time to man up.

And ever so fitting, here's the latest Bible study video.

 

The art of killing.

Do you know what kind of blogs are my favourite to look at?

The kind that just show stuff, one after the other-the most bizarre, luxurious, delicious, impressive adjective, beautiful people, places, and things.  It doesn't take long before I'm absolutely dazed by "....that CHANDELIER!", "that cute little type writter replica!", "oh-my-goodness-that view!!", "look at those cupcakes! eeeeeee!" and I'm lost in the labyrinth of all things blog worthy.  Time just passes by.  And it's funny because I look at that time as a void, a waiting period between events A and B in my life and I just need to...


kill time.

I found myself thinking that before work a few days ago.  I had about half an hour before I needed to leave, maybe a little less, and I just sat on the computer hoping that something interesting would pop up so that I could make the time go by faster.  End my life sooner, essentially.  But see, I don't think about time in terms of my life, not in this case.  It was a meaningless interval of space, needed to be used up so that I could...

move on with my life.

Hellooooooo, life didn't go anywhere.  You live your life in this instant.  And I find myself horrifingly too often wasting my life.  Waiting for something to happen.  Dreaming of things that could happen.  And the same coudl be true on the opposite end as well.  Some of us are too busy to live.  We need to go go go so that we can get get get so that we can be be be ...happy?  Why don't we just start at the "be" part right now? 

I want to stop wasting so much time studying at other peoples' accomplishments, opinions, etc. and focus all of that time on what is relevant to me in my place on this earth.  I want to stop oggling at lamps and plots of land for sale next to a peach orchard in Georgia.  I'm doing.  No watching, wasting, killing.  Make the most of your life.  It's short and one day you will answer for it.  I don't want to be a murderer.  I don't want to kill time. It's a gift after all.  It would be a shame to ruin a gift wouldn't it?

For days when you think there's a package coming in the mail.

I got the notice this morning. 

There's a package for me, waiting for me a the Post Office.  I tried to scramble through my head about something I might have ordered for myself but I couldn't think of anything.  I tried to find any possible reason that it wouldn't be a care package from someone that loves me.

And then the ideas kept floating around in my brain.  "A handcrafted thank you gift from my former Bible study leader", "a friend of mine sent me a letter..." "someone annonymously sent me some kind of encouraging gift.."

Oh, I spun those ideas 'round and 'round.  I presented my piece of paper to the attendant and she went into the back room. "I wonder how big it will be..."

She returned and handed me my Skin Id parcel, a regular non-exciting parcel, which usually arrives directly at my house.

A bitter pill.

Fast forward about 12 hours and I'm crying in my living room because I've asked God to give me a best friend and I still find myself by myself.  And it's been a year almost exactly (because I would have to reference the journal for the precise date) since I removed the person that I cherished as my best friend out of my life.  That person is still not back in my life and that's okay on a regular day but on a day like today it feels really lonely. 

And I don't know how to build my dreams for my future and I feel like everybody already has their best friend.  There's no one next to me in bed; no one calling me after their shift to ask how my day went; no one who chooses me.  On a night like tonight I feel like it's fifth grade gym class and the teacher tells us to partner up and I'm the odd person out.  Destined to sit in the corner and observe. 

And I know that's not how it is.  I see beyond tonight.  And I realize that people feel this way across the board-North, East, South, West.  It's a pretty universal character: Loneliness.  I don't know if talking typing about it makes the loneliness any easier.  I'm not sure if acknowledging the community of it makes it any less lonely but I do know that I am a whole.  No friendship, no bond, none of that completes me.  In marriage there's this weird thing where two become one, but they were each one before.  Not half.  You're whole. 

And there's great freedom in that.  Freedom that should not be taken for granted.  If you find yourself in the corner observing others' lives while you waste yours, then stop it.  You don't have to play whatever game they're playing.  Go make up your own!  Wrap yourself up in the love of an eternal God!  Learn to sew! Bake cookies for the homeless and turn it into a business! Read 18th century literature out loud because it pleases your ear! Whatever! Concentrate on being a full whole, not a measly half looking for/needing someone to complete you. 

You're more interesting as a whole anyway.

Check out the multi-coloured blazer!