Something to chew on.

This my friends, is called beating the system.  No need to cheat.  No wheat, no sugar (except whatever is in the cereal, which I don't care about).  Honey, peanut butter, and Special K.  Sweet treat and no Lent guilt! Usually we make these kinds of bars with sugar, corn syrup and pour chocolate on top, but honestly I've never really loved the chocolate part.  Gimme the peanut butter!

My dad and I had an excellent lunch.  First of all-homemade potato/green bean soup.  Second of all, he posed the question: If we really trust God with eternal life, that our salvation is real, then why don't we trust that he is just as powerful for us today?  In other words, if Christians believe that there's a God who can actually save them from eternal damnation, why wouldn't they believe the other promises that he gives us in the Bible?  That he will never leave us or forsake us?  Why would we worry about anything?

Something to think about, pray about.

"10 000 Reasons" indeed.

I must say, I slept most of the day "away".  Whether it was time well spent or not, I can't really say but I'm ending the day, or I suppose rather beginning the next, in one of my favourite (although sometimes neglected) ways.

Some personal introspective deep dark enlightenment journal scribbling with a side of worship music.  This night features Matt Redman's "10 000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)".  It's a beauty.

Happy Sushi Day! (read: I'm giving up sugar and wheat for Lent and it's only day two and what?!? am I going to do?!)

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Round one of several.  Brunch with some big time phatties.

The barely bad bear came bearing gifts of bare essentials. Or did he?

Right now, all I can say is that having one of my best friends home for "Reading Week" is like winning "Best Pig" at the State Fair.  I'm loving the (allweeverdoiseat) time we get to spend together. I just ate four cookies while watching Food Network. Zing!

That, and I'm becoming obsessed with flossing.  My gums are literally itching to be flossed whenever I'm not flossing.  This is partly embarrassing because "Aren't you supposed to start flossing when you're, uh, a child?"  But whatever.  Late bloomers are the new tortoises.  We win every race, okay?

Abraham is my main man from the Bible right now, night skies are still the prettiest thing I've yet to see, and I bet you don't know every instance where it would be appropriate to use "bear" as opposed to "bare".

When I look back at my journal in ten years...

So maybe the weirdest part of today is that I'm one verse away from having completed writing a song about baking.  A song about baking that includes Biblical, classic literature, and mythological creatures.

Inspiration comes from the strangest of places. 


You may as well just cross stitch that little number on the largest wall in your home because it's totally true.  I made "heart healthy" cookies for Valentine's Day. Basically no flour, no white sugar. Some brown sugar and honey, tons of oats (bye bye high cholesterol), peanut butter (natural endorphin booster-hellooooo happy days!), dark chocolate (because I know I've read somewhere that it's good for you), dried cranberries (it sounds better if you say that instead of Craisins...), and a touch of cinnamon (metabolism accelerator).  Beauties.  Made them into heart shapes.  Took them to work.

The ladies loved them.  I'm not sure about the fellas.  Anyway, one of the guys I work with flat out said, "I could bake you under the table."  Whaaaaaaat did you just say?


Best phrase I've heard in awhile.  And it got all the creative juices flowing, so to speak.  And now I'm one verse about Godzilla and King Kong away from having the world respect me as an artist.  Not bad.

It's good to be a lamb.

Do you ever find that no matter what's going on in life God never lets you stray too far from needing him?  One area of your life may be smooth sailing but there's some piece of your puzzle that's gone astray.  Where did that piece go?!  You can't live without that piece!  And the whole picture starts to kind of crumble.  And there you are, once again, at the feet of the most loving Creator anything has ever known.

Just when you (.. I) thought that you could do this on your own, finally, you realize, OH WAIT, I CAN'T.  It's kind of beautiful, to know that you don't have to ever do anything on your own.  That you always have a place to run when you're lost or you get that tingly sensation in your wool that there's defs some wolves lurking around.  One little "Baaaaaa" and the Shepherd is scooping you up in his arms.

It's a good day to be a lamb (sheep?).  It's a good day to realize that I am what I am.  And sometimes I act like a lion and sometimes I really am pretty fierce like a lion, but that deep down, I'm a sheep.  And I don't have to figure out how to get to the next pasture, I really don't!  I just follow.  I just let go of all my tendencies to freak out about "HOW AM I GOING TO GET OVER TO THAT GREEN GRASS WHEN I SEE NO POSSIBLE PATH?!!"

Not my job.  I just follow. And He takes me to some crazy/dangerous/mind blowing/humbling places that I never would have encountered without his leading.  My life is better because I'm a lamb. Embrace the lamb inside of you, people.  I promise it's worth it.

Happy Anniversary!

In some unflattering but-I'm-not-caring news, I cried at work yesterday.  Almost exactly a year since I cried at work last time.  You gotta celebrate these occasions, apparently.

I was limping around work yesterday and feeling more than adequately sorry for myself, wondering why no one was noticing my LIMPING AROUND, and I started to whisper sweet nonsense into my brain.

"Pssssssssst."

"You know, it's becoming really obvious that no one here cares about you.  I mean, everyone is too busy to even notice that you're clearly hurting over here."

"Check your phone.  I bet no one has sent you a text either." I didn't dare check my phone.

"You know why?  Ya, you know why.  No one cares. Not here at work, not in BC, not anywhere."

"And in case I haven't made my point: no one could ever love you.  You're overweight.  You work in a kitchen. You have arthritis.  The boy who plays NCAA soccer in the States will never love you."

And I went in the freezer to cry, which was my tactic last year, but I could hear that there were people in the fridge going over the protocol for pulling product out of the freezer.  So I got outta there in a hurry.  And I bolted to the girls' bathroom.  Complete with a mirror so that I could just stare at myself, pitifully, as I kept saying "No one." over and over again.  You know, dramatic emphasis.

I might have stayed in there a long time except that someone banged on the door and I froze.  Time's up.  Face the music with a face that's all red and blotchy.  So I went into the kitchen, to the back where I was portioning rice (new rice! how exciting!) and one of the boys must have seen the  mess that was my face and told someone else who came back and asked, "Are you alright?"

"Ya, I'm good."

And cue whispers.  Behind me.  Boy whispers about the girl crying the back of the kitchen and what.... should they do about it.

Hand on my back.  Boy asks me what is wrong.  Says he doesn't like it when people cry (me neither, dude).  I tell him that I'm fine, that he shouldn't worry.  He stares at me for a long time like he's waiting for me to talk but I just keep portioning rice.

I go about my business.  They go about theirs.  One of them avoids me like the plague, like actually jumps out of the way when I walk in his direction because he is so uncertain of what to do with this emotional thing.  It's like a sleeping tiger.  You want to pet it, but the risks... You could lose an arm over this.

And eventually someone chimes in, "Are you in pain?"  Oh gee, I guess my pimp walk and the scrunching of my face with every step finally gave it away. "Ya, I can tell you're hurting."  Thank you for noticing, you great detective.

Anyway, the point of this is that maybe I'm more susceptible to emotions in the late winter, I'm pretty much a Mean Girl to myself sometimes, and boys are not like girls.

Trading Day

Beep beep.

So while I'm throwing away the dream list [even as I write that I kind of bite my lip in nervousness], I'm definitely trying to add a "be" list in my life.

Most of what was on my bucket list required more money than I have, a lot of planning, training, and some coincidental good fate maybe (ie. shaking a paw with a tiger).  The "be" list (which, ya, you can call a bucket list if you want!) is ever-changing.  It's comprised of things that I can do right now with the amount of money in my bank account and the resources I have here, in Smallsville.

So, this is more about what I can do to become more like that crazy woman that Proverbs 31 talks about.  It's about challenging myself and making the most of more moments.

This month's B-list:

1.  Visit with Phyllis, a recent widow who attends my church.
2.  Write some love letters to some people in my life (many of whom I take for granted).
3.  Clean my car. Outside (yaaaay! I actually take a small amount of pleasure in going to the car wash) and inside (mm.. less enthused).
4.  Go through the closet and the dressers in my bedroom (ya, they're still full!) and get rid of a bunch of stuff that I do not need.
5.  Make dinner twice a week for my family (this is hard because I work evenings!).  Please attempt homemade pizza.

Simple and do-able, but challenging in their own respects.  And hopefully character building.  So goodbye dreams, hello real life right here and now. And I encourage you to make a list for this month of things that maybe have been tugging on your heart.  Don't stress about it!  That's sooooo not the point of this.  It's to do little things to press towards the ultimate goal of live a life full.  Being Jesus every day not just while you're fundraising to go to Africa to volunteer at an orphanage for 2 months.  Although, that's also awesome.... But NO! I will not dream about how exciting and rewarding that might be!!!

The Declaration

As with most important things that I'm supposed to do, this is late.

I meant to write this yesterday.  You know, because it was the beginning of the month and any motivational declaration just has that permanent ring to it when you do it at the beginning of something.  But no, not I.  It's not even the beginning of the day for me anymore.  It's middle of the afternoon and I just ate some "artisan" (seriously... what does that even mean, Tostitos?) black bean and garlic chips.

But here we go.  Ever since I thought of writing this I thought of definitely not writing this.  Because, ya sure it sounds cool, but honestly.. that's kind of bold.  But with boldness comes adventure and I'm not wearing this backpack for nothing so from now on I think I'm throwing away my bucket list. [BAM... did you feel it?]

I think I'm giving up my dream to travel the world.  That's a big dream.  7 billion people in that dream.  This does not mean that I don't want to travel the world but that I will not hope for it, I will not wait for it, I will not write it on a list of things to complete.  I'm giving up my dreams in pursuit of freedom.  To not be tied down to anything that the world has to offer, but to be open to whatever God puts on my plate (let it be made with cheese God, please!).

I think I'm giving up my dream of seeing as many friends as often as possible.  I think I'm letting go of the need for community in return for a bigger one.  To be open to the faces that are naturally in front of me instead of pining after the ones who are familiar and easy to look at.

I want to be tied down to nothing.  So that love can manifest itself in me and that I might be always pouring it out.  I don't care if I ever attend a FIFA World Cup final, or a Stanley Cup final, or another final exam.

My path might be unique but my goals should not be.  I'm not saying that I will never do any of the things that I would enjoy, but I cannot live for the expectation of those things.  I am letting go of the expectation that I will ever do _______.  Even if I have amassed hundreds of hours researching that certain thing.  That thing is a sideways goal and I'm trying to get to the top of the mountain, or to the sun, or whatever.

If you have the words to a song, write it.  Don't worry about making an album.  If you feel the need to do something nice for someone, bake them cookies from the recipe on the back of the chocolate chips bag.  Do what is natural.  When we think extravagantly we lose sight of the original objective.  Do what drives you now!  And who cares if you ever see the Great Wall of China while on a hot air balloon ride?! (even though... uggh.. so cool.)

To love always.  To move when compelled.  To wake up every morning and ask, "Okay Jesus, what do you have planned for us today?"