That inner self dialogue really needs to end.

Today was a day of firsts.

I was desperate enough to use body lotion as hair conditioner in the shower.  It was a toss up between that and baby oil. 

AND

I started running today after an extended period of time off.  I ran in the beginning of the summer but I haven't run in a long time because of my arthritic ankle.  Today however, I got back at it.  And on the treadmill of all things.  I think my outdoor running will remain a wish for the next five months.  It's getting pretty chilly out there and ice terrifies me. 

So I went on the treadmill, and ran slooooooooooooooowly.  And after a few minutes I could feel my shoulders getting warm and little beads of sweat were starting to form on them and it was an incredible feeling.  To do something simple, to appreciate my body for its physical capabilities, to be in a state of thankfulness-that was good.  But no sooner did those beads of sweat form than my brain started to do a little number crunching.

"You know, if you started running for 30 minutes every day and did interval training every other day then it wouldn't be long before you could run 10k and then you could start doing stretches first thing when you wake up in the morning and doing crunches and squats and lunges three times a day, once in the sand, just to give your muscles a little boost.  Ya, that could work." 

We never let ourselves just feel good without trying to process what's next.  We've already moved on from our accomplishment, however big or small, and start scheming of how we could do better.

Well what if we stopped focusing on doing better and try to just do?  Just DO something good for your body.  Don't think of how you could have done better.  You'll end up feeling bad about your efforts and chances are you won't do that good thing again. 

You don't have to be the best.  I plague myself sometimes with thoughts about writing a perfect blog.  There's probably only four people reading this, including myself, but sometimes I think there's really no point because "I'm not the best writer, or the most captivating to read, or the most relevant to everyones' lives.." so therefore why bother?

Bother yourself with things that are good.  Do things that are good but don't obsess that they aren't the best.  You'll drive yourself into a circus of failed achievements.  Don't decide that you shouldn't serve chocolate cake to your guests because it's not the world's best chocolate cake.  Do it with love.  Don't get on the treadmill because you need to lose 50 pounds before Christmas.  Do it because you love your body. 

You only become the best after trial, trial, trial, and a little tribulation.  So just do something because it's good or because you love it. And tell your inner wacko that today your good is your best. So good for you, you fearless and mighty warrior. Be brave and do good.

I lost it at work.

We were having a conversation about pitching in money to buy a cow for a family in a third world country.  Certainly it started out innocent enough.  And then a coworker suggested that maybe we should help the people in our own country first.  A valid, valid point.  We should not be so busy looking in the distance that we forget about those sitting at our feet.  But for some reason, I perceived his comment as a lack of compassion-hot his intention at all.  And I yelled.  I raised my voice and started twisting my neck the way I do when I'm upset and started pointing my finger all over the place.  Disaster. 

And when someone chimed in to defend him (with valid points of his own), I refused to listen.  It was a hot bed of controversy.  Over African children and North American children and my coworkers, all of whom are in need of help in some way.  How ignorant for me to turn a conversation about helping into an argument about who desires it more.  It wasn't a great example of Christianity, and I was kicking myself almost immediately afterwards.  I apologized for escalating the situation and some accepted, others didn't.  And I almost started fuming all over again when one of the guys didn't care to hear my apology.  LET ME APOLOGIZE.  Give me redemption! 

But no.

We mess up.  And sometimes we do a really good job of it.  But redemption is ours regardless.  Look for it in the right spot.  On that note, here's the first episode of BB Studious.  It's about grace.

Something like a low budget micro mini-documentary.

Here is the first installment and introduction of my YouTube Bible study series.  What it lacks in special effects it makes up for in heart, I hope.

Warm feelings for a Chill Bill Vol.1 kind of day.

Today the kitchen was a beehive of activity.  My mother and I: chopping up yams for fries, making peanut butter and honey combinations for squares, boiling soup for the poor souls outside, and letting the cheese biscuits in the oven do their thing.  Ahhhh, it makes me anticipate Christmas.

And while all of that was going on, my video-my first BIBLE STUDY VIDEO-was being uploaded to YouTube.  It's stilllllll being uploaded to YouTube because it's apparently a gargantuan size file.  Must be because of my big personality.. heh..heh..

But I have to say that it's kind of scary to put something like that out there!  What if no one watches it?  It's nearly 15 minutes long; I wouldn't entirely blame them.  But I'm really jazzed about the whole thing.  So naturally, as creative types we want others to see our vision in whatever project we're doing.  I guess that's people in general.  We like acknowledgement for what we do.  And I'm scared that I won't get that.

Also, I'm worried that this isn't the perfect way to do it.  To which I reply, "Well of course it isn't.."  If you're waiting for the perfect opportunity to share a vision, speak about your convictions, whatever, you'll probably never end up doing it.  Not everyone is going to like what you propose, but you can't look for satisfaction in the opinions of others anyway.  My dad encouraged me to go for it.  "You won't accomplish anything by not doing it.  And you'll probably do it different next time.  But you're doing it.  That's what matters."  Genius!  That is what matters.  Yes a plan is good.  But don't plan something that will only work on the day that the sun eclipses the moon while winking coyly at the earth.  It's not going to happen. 

Turn your idea into actuality.  Don't let them fester in your brain until you throw them away completely.  And maybe you'll do it "better" next time but there is no chance to edit until you actually put something out there.  It's scarier than a Haunted House and well, more rewarding I would say.

This feels like Twitter.

I was in Wal-Mart ten minutes ago and I saw a book about a little boy's experience going to Heaven and as I read the back of the book (I've seen it many times before), I teared up because that boy is telling his story.  He's excited about that story.  May I be as excited about mine.  And you, about yours.

About the simple things.

This morning was particularly blustery and damp.  The kind that makes my parents have conversations about Mexico and Arizona.  Winter is approaching and for us, that means a good five month committment.  To dry skin, soaked shoes, slippery parking lots, and a lawn full of snow angels. 

But this morning when I went to grab a spoon for my granola and strawberry greek yogurt, my favourite spoon was sitting right at the top of the pile.  Simple but not unnoticed.

I was never good at counting sheep.

I can't sleep.  It has something to do with my frequent cough and stuffy nose and something to do with my afternoon nap.  Maybe also something to do with the Coke that I drank at 10 when I came home from work.  Typically, a little Iron Chef can woo me into dream land, but no, not tonight.  I have to get up early tomorrow morning to make a pecan pie and try to bake my yam fries at the perfect time so that they're still crisp when we arrive at my aunt's house tomorrow. 

But I can't help it.

I've been working on and off on developing my online Bible study based on some universal (I'd like to think) themes in the book I wrote.  And the more I think of it, the more I'm compelled by the people in the Bible who struggled along with us!  Moses.. not a public speaker.. leads a million people from the hand of Pharaoh.  And I'm reading through Exodus right now, so I'm just getting started with these Israelite people, and I have to keep reminding myself that they're just like me.

I've always automatically assumed that believing God was easy for them because they were in "that" time.  It didn't occur to me that people in every age of history are still people-stubborn, afraid of change, (to name a few atributes).  And I'm thinking about what that must have been like... for some Hebrew stranger from the country to barge in on the people living in Goshen and say, "Get ready because God's getting you out of here."  And it doesn't happen right away.  And Moses probably looks foolish.  And how does he know that God's actually going to come through for him?!  That's some kind of faith. 

And then, on a totally different brain wave, I'm thinking about that woman in John 8 that is supposed to definitely most certainly get stoned (you know, killed) and yet she doesn't.  There's a crowd listening to Jesus and these ultra religious guys bring her into his presence and basically say, "How do you suppose we get rid of this garbage?" 

They say she deserves death.  He tells them that everyone does.  And then everyone, feeling a little sheepish and/or infuriated, leaves.  And it's just this adulterous woman and Jesus and he-the very person of God-tells her, "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more."  (John 8:11)

Sweeter words have never been spoken to this woman, I'm sure.  He frees her.  He sees her for her potential and not for her past, probably for the first time in her life.  He not only saves her life but he restores her soul. 

And so I'm just wide-eyed at all of these kinds of things that are coming to life in the Bible and I only hope that I can translate it into the study well enough that others will be inspired by these things.  So, I'm thinking about that and I'm thinking about pecan pie.  And my stuffy nose (for the fifth night in a row). 

No, he didn't.

So I asked my parents the question about Jesus and we didn't really have a concrete answer and tonight as I was laying in bed (trying to sleep!!) I suddenly realized that no, Jesus didn't take a "sick day".  I'm not saying that Jesus was never ill.  No, it's likely that he spent his fair share of days feeling physically not up to par.

BUT [this is so important], at a moment's notice he tuned in to what was the top priority in his life.  He had his mind set on Heavenly things, not earthly things.  Take a look,

"When Jesus heard what had happened [the death of John the Baptist], he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place.  Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns.  When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick." -Matthew 14:13-14

He initally goes to be by himself.  But the crowds follow him.  And when he saw them "he had compassion on them and healed their sick".  He feels awful and yet he goes ahead and heals them!  He knew that his temporary, human sadness was not as important as the faith of those people.  That's the most incredible thing I've learned today.

And I guess I should have known this answer from the beginning, considering he died on a cross because of where his priorities lay.  However I can't help but be struck by it.  And it reminds me of my principal from Bible school who, after finding out about his wife's miscarriage, couldn't help but praise God anyway.  Unreal priorities.  Unreal as in "other wordly" or "not of this earth".  Something to aspire to. 

Did Jesus ever call in sick?

I understand that Jesus was God.  But I don't really understand how he was BOTH man and God.  Last night I was struck with the flu, so much that I could barely lift anything.  Every part of my body ached.  It hurt to look at anything; it hurt to close my eyes.  And it continued on today.  I'm better now but I spent most of the day sleeping, and oh yeah, almost fainted/threw up in my neighbour's house.  I felt awful. 

I called my boss and told him that I wouldn't be able to come into work today.  It's Pasta Tuesday at the restaurant.  And I was supposed to close tonight.  It might have been the worst day to call in sick.  I called my mom (who wasn't at home) early this morning to ask her when she was going to be back. 

And I wondered, "Did Jesus ever call in sick?"  Did he ever take a break?  Did he ever get the sniffles and spend the day in bed, even as a youngster?  Or was he always "about [his] Father's business"?  I mean, he was fully man so he must have been ill at some point in his life.  He must have eaten some bad seafood or something right?  The only reference to anything remotely like this was when Jesus heard that John the Baptist had been executed.  The Bible says that he went to get away from the crowd and mourn but it goes onto sya that the crowd followed him... and he began to teach them.  He was mourning the death of his dear cousin, but the people didn't even give him a chance.  And he didn't object.  How?? 

I rescheduled things so that I could rest and I'm not even very sick, and by no means am I mourning.  Is this just an opportunity to show us that we can do nothing in our own strength?  I'm really not sure. 

What about terminal diseases?  Whose example do we take from?  What would Jesus do with cancer?